Motivation and being good to yourself
I was going to take another run at the G.C.C.C BOC double route today but I just couldn’t bring myself to leave the house. I had booked a day off work and I was even up early to get out but my heart just wasn’t in it. The route I had intended to ride had been plotted for the Band of Climbers lockdown challenge, that asked riders to create a 100km route with as much climbing as possible, but without crossing where you had already been. A mate in my club put a route together that has now become a bit of a club challenge. When I saw a 100km route with just shy of 1800m of ascent I thought it would be a perfect candidate to do in both directions and make a AAA 200 out of it.
I took an ill fated (I broke my pump repairing a puncture) first run at it last Sunday but even whilst riding the first half I felt that the route really wasn’t great for my purpose. The trouble is that it was designed by someone else, for something else and doing it as a double to hit the required distance and altitude started feel, well honesty just a bit pointless. Any AAA is normally reasonably hard but there is also normally the pay off of great views or getting A to B, especially when the route is a big loop. This route has a lot of hills that felt just for the sake of it that really don’t have great views and don’t really get you from A to B as there is so much doubling back on yourself to hit those hills. This is of course by necessity, it’s not like South Birmingham/North Worcestershire is know for it’s mountain passes and cols. Snaking around to use every bit of geography available is not a bad thing per se and as a specific challenge I totally get it, but as an enjoyable Audax… not so much. This is not a value judgement on the route, it’s a value judgment on my decision to use this route for my purpose.
It didn’t help as well that being on local roads I know really well, I also started getting bored. Part of why I ride long routes is to ride places that I have never been before. I’m in danger of over playing this but there is a certain sense of adventure, riding into the unknown when you go new places on routes you have never seen before. When doing 200km, even rides that leave from my house will normally have a large chunk of new roads or trails, but on this route I was probably never further than 30km away as the crow flies. I can honesty say I had ridden at least 90% of these roads before and as such the ride totally lacked the exploration, the unknown, and like I say, the adventure.
The point of this post is not about the route. I’ve talked about it to illustrate just how much I really wasn’t feeling it, but even so I was still on the cusp of feeling like it would be easier to ride, than “let myself down”. Motivation is a strange beast. The awards that one can earn Audaxing are normally just an extra push to go and do more of the things that I enjoy or approach them slightly differently to how I might normally. Was it the prospect of losing RRtY progress? Was it the prospect of not completing the route as a double and pushing the boundry of this club challenge? Probably some of both, but which ever it is, this was not what I want my motivation to be. If I’m at the point of using end rewards… “well done have a cookie”, to get me to go and do something I supposedly enjoy, then what’s the point?
There are probably several contributing factors as to why I’m not mentally on form at the moment, a global pandemic for one. Whether or not you are conscious of how its effecting you… its effecting you… and personally I’m finding this lock down far more difficult than the first. I’m sure there are other contributing factors, but whatever the reason for my current malaise, I have to try to acknowledge that this is an unusual time and really try to not beat myself up about it. It’s a very fine line between taking on challenges to push yourself for enjoyment and completing challenges simply because you can’t let it go. I sometimes find it hard to know the difference, and I often wonder what it is I’m trying to prove to myself? I have had 10 years of endurance challenges without a single DNF until this September, which I actually found very easy to accept, which is somewhat why I’m so puzzled as why today’s DNS is bothering me so much…
The difference between pushing yourself for self satisfaction and pushing yourself to finish, is subtle, but one that I have to recognise. With only 4 days of the month left I’m in danger of losing 1 or both of my current RRtYs (4 and 5 months) and also my AAA RRtY (7 months!). There is probably still time to hold on to one RRtY and the AAA, but if I don’t, I have to learn to let it go and cut myself some slack sometimes. I can’t say I will but I really need to try at the very least.
It’s really important that I remind myself now and again that I should be taking on these challenges for their intrinsic value, not the badge that I get at the end of it. Maybe this is why I feel so terrible at the moment, I’m missing that Thursday club ride which is all about the craic… nothing more nothing less.
